The Misalignment of Lou Ellen Jackson - Audio Devotion -

Brothers and sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above (Philippians 3:13-14 NCV).
The smelling of honey sickles during the summer, the barking of grandmother’s German Shepherd, the jumping off of the porch to land six feet below and the playing of the Gap Band, Earth, Wind and Fire and Earl Klugh upstairs in the attic where my father would often go to relax or just get away were images that characterized my childhood. I would lie in the grass of my grandmother’s huge backyard, gleaming up at the stars in the sky as darkness began to set in. I used to wish all my childhood memories were that good because for every pleasant memory I had a plethora of unpleasant ones to match. I buried these sordid impressions deep inside. But as they remained resident, I carried emotions and feelings of shame, pride, depression, resentment, distrust, anger and bitterness.

We were playing hide and seek. My friend and I hid under the staircase on grandmother’s back porch leading to the attic. We were the youngest but the fastest runners of all the neighborhood kids. Someone added a twist to the game that day.Once found we were not out until tagged. We were the last found, and it was an all out sprint. Sandra went left, and I went right. She took a leap off of the porch and landed in the grass. I took the stairs because my ankles always hurt after landing from a jump that high. A few seconds later, I was pushed. I wasn’t fast enough that day. Sandra’s brother had pushed me and he thought it was hilarious. There was blood everywhere. I cried. Sandra escorted me inside the house. My parents were fighting again.

My constant crying was the only thing that got their attention because they never heard Sandra. My father grabbed me, and they jumped in the car to rush me to the emergency room. I returned home that evening with stitches, soreness and bruises. My mother was given instructions on how to clean the injured area with Dial soap regularly and apply a medicated ointment. She told me I should have been more careful because the scar that would remain was going to make me look so unattractive. My scars were deeper than surface though, much deeper. Every experience and ill spoken word were shaping and molding me.

That day, at the age of six, I was one of the saddest kids on the planet. Sandra’s brother never apologized. Instead, whenever he had the opportunity, he would tell me how ugly I was. At a young age, I decided to trust no one, to be guarded and introverted. Inside I was a mess; so hurt I couldn’t verbalize the pain. I couldn’t even pray. I was completely misaligned.It was even manifested physically: I developed a curvature of the spine, scoliosis. I couldn’t find the words to tell the One who loved me more than anyone else how much I hurt. Instead, I found strength in bodybuilding, ironically. The sport allowed me to escape and to be tough to some degree. When the weight came upon me, I believed I could move it without a doubt and I did. Finally through stress (weight bearing) there was joy. I could be transformed, shaped, sculpted and seemingly made new. But was I really?
Bodybuilding had been a great escape for me in a way. But God rescued me. A friend taught me how to worship the Lord. When I couldn’t articulate prayers, I would spend time in my closet for hours in worship. With time the breakthrough came and I could finally talk to my Father. I could finally laugh and cry with Him. I could rest under His wings.At 35 years old, I am amazed by God’s love, grace, and mercy for me. I still enjoy weight training but my mindset about it is different. Resistant training does not define my strength. It does not rescue me from hurt and shame of the past. Jesus paid the price for that. Now, when I think of the past, I realize that peace and reconciliation must be my goal. I have learned to love and forgive and not hold on to bitterness and resentment.

Prayer:

Father, I can’t imagine where I would be without you. The little girl who was so broken has now been rescued. And it is only because of your love that I have been set free. No longer holding on to the past, but using it as footstool to catapult me into the future. Becoming renewed, transformed and aligned to fulfill your plans and purposes for my life. Thank you. In Jesus name. Amen.

Memory Scripture:

Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking.  Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect (Romans 12: 2 NCV).
{play}images/audio/devotionaudio[1].mp3{/play}
{sharethis}