I was born just outside of Atlanta, Georgia in Forsyth County. Although I was raised in a Christian home, I never truly knew what love was. I found it hard to believe that a God I had never seen loved me, and so much that He would send His Son to die for me? That was beyond comprehension for me. By age sixteen, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and was prescribed multiple medications. This was the beginning of learning how to numb my pain.
After marrying my high school sweetheart at age 24, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Cortney. However, after five years of marriage and one daughter, I was devastated to find out that I was not the dream girl my husband desired. We divorced, and I found comfort in the arms of crystal meth and pot. Once again, I turned to a substance to disconnect me from the hurt in my life. By the time I was 29, I had remarried and both my husband and I were full blown drug addicts. The drugs shielded me from the pain as I faced avalanches of tragedies. My mother passed away in 1996 and I suffered a miscarriage a year later. In 2004, my second husband died, leaving me behind with a two month old daughter named Mikayla. The following year, misfortune knocked at my door again when my seventeen year old daughter, Cortney, was killed in a car accident. I was crushed and felt as though death was following me. I was so alone except for Mikayla and I was at risk of losing her too to the authorities. I wasnt giving her up without a fight and knew I had to do something to save her.
I had to stop the emotional bleeding by confronting my problems, but I needed help. I found myself at the Abba House, a home for emotionally wounded women and decided to attend one of their group meetings. The room was cozy with windows all around. Sunlight flooded the scantly decorated room. A group of women was seated on an oversized brown leather sofa and I joined them. Instantly, I felt God’s presence as I began to study the word of God with the women. I felt I was being born all over again. The women and I worked diligently out of work books on experiencing God, breaking bondages, and journaling these reflections. We also studied “How to Hear God’s Voice”. The words fell like refreshing rain on the dry parched land of my soul. They were like honey on my lips, and music to my ears. As wonderful as these meetings were, I knew they were not enough to save me and my daughter.
After listening to the wrong voice for nearly thirty years, I had finally listened to the voice of God, surrendered, and became a resident of the Abba House. I decided to commit myself fully to the program for fifteen months. I joined the other women who were already residents. It was a new way of living in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Our daily diets had healthy portions of fruits and vegetables and we were allowed little sugar or caffeine. We exercised twice a day. Nearly every moment of my life was filled with the study of God’s word. As the word of God filled my life, I began to experience the real love from my Heavenly Father. With a clean diet and God-filled environment, my life began to take a 360 degree turn. God’s words penetrated every part of my being, washing away the debris in my life. His love broke the emotional shackles that enslaved me. As Christ forgave me, I, too, forgave all those who had caused me such deep pain.
The atmosphere of forgiveness released God’s healing power in my life. The emotional bleeding ceased as I submitted to the authority of my Heavenly Father. However, just as my relationship with my heavenly Father had to be restored, so did the relationship with my earthly parents. Ephesians 6:2-3 tells us to “Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” I had to obey and forgive my parents. Though my mother was dead, I forgave her, for I knew that I would be the one who was ultimately released.
When we fill a space with God’s word, it transforms the atmosphere. It is our obedience to the word that releases its power. As Christ loves us, we must love others in return. As Christ forgives us, we must forgive others in return. By forgiving the people who have hurt me, my wounds started to heal. By humbling myself and admitting my wrongs and acknowledging the role I played, I am forgiven by God and have done my part. I have learned how vital receiving God’s love and giving it away is to my well being and to my relationships. When we are children, we develop certain belief systems about life, people, and ourselves. Most of the time, these beliefs are distorted. At the Abba House, we learn how to listen to the Holy Spirit who reveals these flawed core beliefs, so that we, too, can say like David, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139: 23-4). God’s word is life. Release His words into the atmosphere and walk in obedience, for it is impossible to love without obeying.
