The car seemed to come out of nowhere. Just as suddenly the driver abruptly pulls in front of your car forcing you to hit the brakes to avoid hitting him. Adrenalin rushes through your veins and you feel the rage welling up in every part of your body. As the other driver pulls off the exit ramp, you fight the compelling urge to follow his car in order to confront him.
You pick up your boyfriend’s cell phone to make a call when you see the “unread message” notification. You tap the screen and see the phone number of his ex-girlfriend with an entire series of messages sent between the two of them. Immediately, you feel the surge of anger because of the deceitfulness and broken trust.
Anger is one of the emotions that make us human. Is our anger sometimes justified? In virtually every situation, we can make the case that we have been hurt or are fearful or have been disrespected. Anger is neither good nor bad, but the more important question is, “What are we going to do with the inevitable anger we feel?”
Do we have a choice?
Choosing to vent our anger on the person who hurt us often sets the stage for deeper hurt, broken relationships, or other bad outcomes. Anger usually leads us to point out the actions of the other person which caused the hurt and pain. That simply evokes defensiveness and rebuttal from the other person. And the downward spiral begins. Nothing is healed and anger is not diminished. Is there an alternative?
For example, let’s say that my wife and I are enjoying ourselves at a party with friends when Bob decides to make a joke at my expense. I don’t find his comment about my weight to be funny at all, but the other ‘partyers’, including my wife, seem to think that Bob is hilarious. I put on a fake smile and seem to go along with the joke, but wait until we get in the car to go home. “I can’t believe that you laughed at Bob’s joke! I was humiliated and you thought it was just good fun. You are so disrespectful!” I can assure you that the barrage of accusations does not put my wife in a sympathetic mood. Instead, I’m likely to hear her rebuttals, “You sure have a thin skin, he was just being funny. You know Bob, you shouldn’t take anything he says seriously. I wish you’d get a sense of humor!” If the rhetoric doesn’t escalate into a full blown argument, the mutual anger would, at minimum, result in several days of non-communication. Nothing would have been resolved and my anger could have grown into bitterness or resentment towards my wife.
But what might have happened if I had made a different choice? We have the same situation, but I decide to approach my anger in a different manner. As we’re driving home, I say, “I need to talk to you about what happened at the party tonight.” I continue, “When Bob made that joke about my weight, I felt as embarrassed as I did as that chubby kid who was teased in sixth grade.” Rather than putting my wife on the defensive, I choose to share the emotions I’m feeling. Her likely response would be something like, “I totally missed how that could have affected you. It must have really hurt. I’m so sorry.” The anger is released, the relationship is strengthened, and my wife knows her husband just a little bit better.
What are the sources of anger?
It has often been said that anger is a secondary emotion, that there is always a deeper emotion under it. In other words, anger can be triggered by
- hurt (for example, feeling disrespected, unappreciated, or unloved),
- Fear of loss (situations like the loss of a relationship or the loss of freedom),
- feeling threatened (such as being publicly embarrassed or fired from your job), or
- not getting one’s way (think in terms of a three-year-old).
When these core triggers are pulled, anger is a natural response, but in a split second we must decide how we are going to respond. In a public arena we may choose to suppress the anger to avoid further embarrassment or unwanted consequences. At home, however, the same trigger may result in a barrage of angry words or a hateful glare. A healthier alternative to suppression or expressed rage is to channel the anger in a more constructive manner. Healthy ways to dissipate anger would include exercising rigorously, going into prayer to calm your spirit or separating yourself from the trigger source.
My Personal Journey
For several years I would find myself getting angry when my best laid plans went off course. It didn’t matter whether the cause was circumstances beyond my control or the actions of another person. I would get frustrated, irritated and often upset with myself for not anticipating the things that could have gone wrong (such as unexpected rain “ruining” our picnic plans). As a result, my wife and boys walked on eggshells whenever we planned a family fun time. I hated the anxiety I felt and the impact that my anger had on my family. However, I didn’t know how to change something that seemed to be such an integral part of my personality.
Sadly, sometimes it takes tragedy or our “hitting rock bottom” to open our eyes to the need for change. Both happened to me in May 2000 when our younger son Nathan took his own life just ten days before his 19th birthday. I couldn’t change the painful reality in which I found myself and I remember thinking, “Delaplane, you’re not in control of anything, so get over it!” It was then that I began the journey to understand the sources of my anger in order to bring it under control. It was the least that I could do for my wife and our older son.
As I began to understand the secondary nature of anger, I used the common therapeutic approach of “peeling the onion” on my path to emotional health. In other words, what were the deep, underlying triggers that brought my anger to the surface? Once I had that mindset, it didn’t take long to realize that the family dynamics that I experienced as child played a key role. As the oldest of four children, I became the self-appointed peacemaker to the many arguments and the constant hostility between my parents. I grew to detest conflict and situations beyond my control. I felt that I had to have all the right answers and to be perfect to keep my mother “happy”. That’s a huge burden to put on a child, but it was my normal. Without knowing it at the time, I made a childhood vow, “When I have my own family, it will never be this chaotic, everything will be under control.”
So life happens and things don’t always go as we planned. When I understood that I no longer had to carry the childhood burdens of perfectionism and people-pleasing, I was able to slowly let go of the need to try to control everything and everyone around me. Not only did I feel liberated but my family most certainly noticed the changes. Flexibility and spontaneity are wonderful things.
Applying the Principles
So how can we avoid being controlled by our emotions?
- First, when someone or something pushes our buttons, we must understand that we do have a choice. No one “makes” us angry; it really is a choice. The questions that I learned to be the most helpful when I felt those old feelings beginning to surface were, “What just happened? Why did that situation stir up my anger?”
- Secondly, refuse to personalize situations that are out of your control. In the first scenario described in this article, another driver’s actions can seem like a personal affront and stir up road rage. When you realize that you have no control over the driving habits of others, you can transfer your energies into defensive driving and assuring that you get to your destination safely. Yes, there are still times that I may mutter under my breath, “What a jerk!” but I don’t let the incident control my mood or day.
- Thirdly, realize that we sometimes get stuck. It may be difficult personally to unravel the underlying reasons for our anger. Often another person, our spouse or a close friend, can provide us with insights that elude us. Counseling is also often a valuable process to help us understand what is going on at our deepest emotional core.
Lastly, our anger can teach us valuable lessons. In the second example above, anger would be a natural reaction to betrayal, but how can we use this painful situation to get us to a healthier place? It may clearly show us that it is time to move on or to seek out relationship help. We don’t have to fall into a pit of despair; instead, we can use our anger as an incentive to get into a healthier situation.
Anger is a complex emotion and is unique to every individual. Our challenge is to learn to control it constructively rather than being controlled by it. The resultant inner peace is priceless.
